peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
