I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
