I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
