i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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