You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
