he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
