I'm lost and stupid without you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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