Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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