Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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