I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
