Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
