He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
