I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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