It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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