you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
