So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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