The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
