John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
