Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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