I showed him my bush... on skype.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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