yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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