I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
