Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
