arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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