i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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