Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You made out with two different species that night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
