I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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