I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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