His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
