dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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