Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
