I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
