I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
