i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
