I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
