Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
