If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
