Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
