I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
