You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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