did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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