in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
