I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
