your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
