yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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