Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
