there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
