Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
