Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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