How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
