Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
